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Give Me Strife and Suffering (but in manageable doses)

"Life is suffering," said Buddha. His plan? Release your attachments to this world and end your suffering.

I'm not with Buddha on this one. Give me strife and suffering. And once I have grown stronger, tempered, hardened by the strife, give me MORE.

Life is strife, suffering, struggle. Your body and mind are kept alive by a series of violent chemical reactions, your heartbeat, the acid in your stomach, the cells constantly breaking apart and dying as new ones are created, the battle towards homeostatis with different bacteria and cells combating each other, all inside your body.

Your mind - your thoughts - may come into conflict, especially when you're trying to do meaningful things. It's easy to feel the pull of distraction and ease, and to choke up and pause in fear when you look at the mountain you're set to climb. The mind is not in harmony, especially at the beginning. Struggle, strife, conflict, suffering.

I say - give it to me! But not so fast that it will break me. I must be pragmatic. We must be pragmatic. We have our limits. We can expand them over time. It's not brave to go into the gym for the first time and try to lift 400 pounds. It's foolhardy, unrealistic, stupid. Being pragmatic, aware of our limits takes its own sort of courage.

I dunno who I am ._.

On Shut Up and Take My Hand

A while back, I had an interesting conversation about the simple idea that I have no idea who I am. Or what I want. From me or from other people. I say I hate humans but I wish them no ill will in general, and I thrive in the company of other people despite finding it very draining and stressful. I want everyone to like me even though I don't really care what other people think of me, I don't like unnecessary drama but I hate being lied to?

I hate being lied to but I lie all the time. I don't exactly know who I am so I guess I'm not really lying, just showing the 'me' I am at the time. Another idea I find baffles me - there are so many sides to me, not always pleasant. In fact, Id say theres only one side to me that's actually worth being around, other wise I'm sceptical, cynical, doubtful, angry, heartless. Basically a bitch.

I like to think that mostly Im happy go lucky and generally care free but I have no idea if that's the case since when I 'snap' (as I call it) then I can't really remember how I felt during that period of time or what I was thinking. I don't even notice afterwards since I don't really think about what I happened to be thinking, say an hour ago. So I don't notice what happened unless someone points it out to me. But when they do > .

The more time I spend with someone, the more of me they are likely to see. Hence why after a while, everyone leaves. I bore them or I become more trouble than I'm worth.

So...does that mean I hate the people that leave me? Or do I just get hurt? I guess I fear intimacy with people since I know its going to end and Im going to get hurt by it if I lose that relationship so I subconsciously push people away. Whether that's my friends or my lover or even my own parents.

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